I'm a Dancing On Ice judge

Dancing On Ice - Live at Trent FM Arena, Nottingham, April 7 2009

WELL, I must have done something right, leaving through the Arena’s back gate I was greeted by a group of girls singing “We love you Simon, we do...”.
OK ladies, but please no autographs.
I must admit, the idea of being on the judging panel of Dancing On Ice, with ice dance legends Torvill and Dean just feet away to the left of me, was daunting. Helped none by ‘proper’ judge Nicky Slater minutes before walking out in to the spotlight -- “don’t try to be clever” he advises, fixing me with a steely grin. “Or you will die out there.”
I found out what he was talking about in the first round of scoring. Not that I was being clever. But ranking Jessica Taylor’s opening skate at 4.5 - half a point below the scores of the professionals on the panel -- prompted a boom of boos.
“I’ll think about what I’ve done,” I say by way of apology to the former Liberty X singer.
“And score everyone six from now on.”
“Well, that’s no good to me now,” she grins back.
It didn’t do too much damage as the audience text voted her in to the final skate off against Ray Quinn. Ahh, that Ray Quinn. Did you know he’s won every single live show on this tour?
“No skate off with Todd Carty yet,” I ask the show’s producer as I’m shown around an hour before curtain up. She raises an eyebrow. That’ll be a no then.

Somehow I manage to forget that the white stuff underfoot is ice and slip, threatening an early humiliation.
I’m taken through a verbal tour of what is going to happen then plonked in staff catering and offered Vietnamese grilled chicken salad or a pan fried lamb steak with treacle sponge to follow. Too nervous to eat. The catering woman offers to box something up for me to take home. It’s typical of the positive vibe going on with the whole production.
I’m led backstage, have a mic taped to my ear and take a seat where Jessica Taylor whips offer her dressing gown to reveal nothing more than a black leotard. I direct my eyes to the large screens replaying clips from the ITV show. It’s the safest place because everywhere around people are touching up make-up, whipping clothes off/on or fixing mics.

My fellow judges all introduce themselves one by one and offer words of encouragement. Even Robin Cousins, a serious looking chap, offers a smile and handshake. They all seem aware of who I must be as the only stranger in their midst. “The guest judge,” says host Andi Peters. Jayne Torvill -- “much smaller than she looks on the telly” TM -- offers a warm smile. “Have a good one,” offers Todd Carty, one fo the tour’s most endearing characters.
Directly behind the curtain, Melinda Messenger - another pint-sized skater who can’t stop grinning - is practising some last minute moves. Ray Quinn is in front of the showbiz mirror checking his hair.
Then it’s showtime.
You can’t really make out the faces of the crowd but you quickly get how passionate they are about the scoring. I don’t know how my fellow judges are scoring until it’s too late but anything below a 5 and they’re growling at you.
My one-liner about being aroused by Zoe Salmon’s turn gets a laugh. “That was actually funny,” I hear Nicky saying to Ruthie.
Not as funny as the line I’d prepared for Todd’s expected clumsy skate about an intoxicated walrus but I don’t get the opportunity to deliver it.

At half-time I’m led back to the canteen and read an old copy of the Times, with a handful of crew on a laptop. I can’t Twitter as there’s no signal. Robin Cousins appears and tucks in to a plateful of chilli. He sits alone. Then Andi Peters, concerned that I’m “not getting the full experience”, leads me to a vantage point to see the rest of the show.
For the finale the judges are called back in to choose who they will crown their champion for tonight as Ray Quinn and Jessica Taylor finish with a Bolero skate off.
It’s Quinn, unanimously.
Backstage and the performers are planning a post-show session of bowling.
Hours later and Christopher Dean will Twitter a picture of Andi Peters in action before declaring “Well, it’s late for the old guy. I’m off to bed.”
I’m already there but with the chant of “We love you, Simon...” ringing in my ears. I could get used to this.

View from the judging panel

Lord Of The Rink

March 2009

SINCE Sunday's final, the TV cameras have been packed away but the ice rink at Elstree Studios remains.
Many of the stars of Dancing On Ice are still making the journey to the TV centre in order to rehearse new routines for the forthcoming UK tour.
Ray Quinn, who was crowned the Lord Of The Rink at the weekend, is among them.
"I'm still on cloud nine – I'm still stuck to those wires I think," he says from a noisy studio.
"They're cleaning the ice," chirps the 20-year-old Scouser, who is rehearsing with fellow contestants Jessica Taylor from Liberty X, Blue Peter presenter Zoe Salmon, ex-Emmerdale actress Roxanne Pallet, TV presenter and ex model Melinda Messenger and former EastEnders/The Bill star Todd Carty.
They'll be on the tour that comes to Nottingham's Trent FM Arena next month for three shows.
And they'll be joined by previous winners Kyran Bracken and Suzanne Shaw.
He thinks it'll be more fun than the TV show.
"There'll definitely be less pressure but there's definitely pressure to get it right in front of thousands of people. But we'll have more fun with it without the added pressure of trying to get through each week.
"I'm really excited to go on tour and to relive it all with Maria (Filippov) because she's a wonderful partner."
Much has been made of the chemistry between the dancing partners but Quinn has batted off any suggestions of a romance, reminding journalists that his girlfriend, Emma Stephens, was cheering him on all the way.
He went into Sunday night's live final against Jessica Taylor and Donal MacIntyre as the bookies' favourite. So did it feel like that?
"Not at all. Anything could have happened. Nothing was for certain or a foregone conclusion. It was so unpredictable that final.
"We all skated a great skate and it was anybody's game."
After partying with his girlfriend until 2am that night, he's spent this week going from rehearsal to media appointment.
He is used to the attention, from appearing in the now-defunct Channel 4 soap Brookside and The X-Factor. Despite losing out to Leona Lewis in the final he went on to have a number one album of Rat Pack covers.
"It's all the same, you know, with the pressure, then the fun side of things, the excitement and learning a new trade..."
His solo tour came to the Royal Concert Hall in 2007, though he can't recall getting a chance to look around the city.
"My cousin lives in Nottingham. And he says it's a lovely place. I'm sure he's right. I can't wait to get there and skate me heart out."
Of course, it'll be a homecoming for the show's real stars, Torvill and Dean.
"Jayne and Chris are just fantastic," says Quinn.
"Just absolute legends. And to be a part of their world and skate with them on the ice is just a dream come true."
But when they won gold at the 1984 Olympics, Quinn wasn't even born.
"I'm just totally in awe of them," he insists.
"They're absolutely beautiful skaters."
Quinn recreated their record-breaking Bolero routine for the final showdown, without their help.
"Once that music is turned on, it's just absolutely unbelievable. Something happened, you know. I puts you in a lovely state. The emotion it makes you feel... incredible... fantastic."
Head judge Robin Cousins told him and millions of viewers watching that he was as good as a professional skater.
Not that he'll be pursuing skating to such a level but he will carry on.
"I absolutely love skating now. I'm going to keep practising and getting better so when the tour comes back next year and the year after I'll be there."
He's been a soap star, a pop star and now a skating star, so what's next?
"I'm going into Grease again, playing Danny Zuko in the West End."
Even though Dancing On Ice judge Jason Gardiner baulked at the idea of Quinn playing the role, calling him a "munchkin".
Quinn, who seems incapable of a negative emotion, responds diplomatically.
"Ah well, you'll have to come and watch it and hopefully have a different idea."
Fortunately, Gardiner won't be a tour judge as the positions have been filled by Karen Barber, Robin Cousins, Ruthie Henshaw and Nicky Slater. Andi Peters will host.
He'll follow Grease with a panto season in Birmingham but next year he's not sure.
"Musicals are where I feel at home but I'm open to anything, really. I'm a big believer in fate. Whatever's meant to be will pass me by."
After two reality TV shows would he be tempted by I'm a Celebrity... or Big Brother?
"I couldn't do the jungle to save my life. There's no way I could eat them bugs. And I'd never go on Big Brother. That's something I'd never ever do."
How about trying your hand at Donal MacIntyre's day job of undercover journalism?
"No, you're kidding, aren't you? I would be absolutely petrified."

Tickets for the additional show on Wednesday April 8 at 2.30pm are now on sale priced from £32.50 to £45. They can be bought online at www.trentfmarenanottingham.com, via the 24hr ticket hotline 08444 124 624 or in person at the venue.

Russell Brand, Arena, Nottingham

February 20 2009

RUSSELL Brand's five year rise to fame is bookended with irritation: Big Brother's Big Mouth and Sachsgate.
That first significant TV appearance on Big Brother's E4 side show presented an overconfident, manufactured rock'n'roll fop. So annoying was he, that I kept his gradual elevation to comedy star, best-selling writer and Hollywood actor at a distance. But with a date at our Arena selling-out as fast as any Lee Evans or Rick Gervais show, it was time to see what the fuss was all about.
I tried as best I could to go with an open mind, though the reports that Sachsgate formed an integral part of his 90 minute routine lowered expectations somewhat.
Indeed Brand saw fit to proudly boast of the whole episode, footage of the TV news reports on a huge video screen was followed with him singing "I am the news" to the News At Ten theme.
After an encouraging opening wander right into the audience - although the interaction didn't exactly bristle with wit - he spent the next 30 minutes going over the media hysteria that followed his radio gaffe. "It was a statistical inevitability that I'd have sex with the granddaughter of a former sitcom star" he said, swaggering across a bare stage with his trademark black leather jacket and skin-tight "ladies'" leggings.
Brand made it clear that it was Jonathan Ross who had started it and the editor of the pre-recorded radio show was also to blame. But he wasn't back-tracking. "I still think it was funny," he says, replaying the video of his spontaneous song from the phone call to Andrew Sachs' ansaphone.
He recalls the text from Noel Gallagher regarding the news story – a cutting of which is projected on to the screen – of a Brand lookalike rendered jobless by the affair. Gallagher quipped: "Hope you're proud of yourself."
The middle third of the set was taken up by his dismal job at the MTV Video Music Awards last September in the States during which he called George Bush a "retarded cowboy". It prompted death threats, some of which he read out. Then he proceeded to run through all the gags he'd written for the broadcast. Just in case you missed it, one assumes. It's not what one would call new material.
Sex played its part, rather inevitably for the final third, referencing his "fame wand", a maternal fantasy about Helen Mirren and – ooh controversial – the Queen. Shocking if you've been raised on a diet of the Chuckle Brothers.
It's not comedy in the traditional sense. Jokes are few. And Brand doesn't do observational. It's all about "me, me, me". Something he justifies because he is "mentally ill" and "narcissistic".
After 90 minutes – there's no encore – he signs off by inviting girls backstage for a threesome. I don't think he's joking, either.
But was it funny? The 6,000 in the Arena (it wasn't intended to sell to capacity) seemed to think so. For the most part.
I found the narcissism rather dull.
Most amusing was the security staff repeatedly trying to stop people taking photographs. As pointless an exercise as asking Brand to talk about someone else.