MY home ranges from a hotel room in the West Country, to a flat in Edinburgh, to my parents’ home in Teesside, to a flat in London that I share with my brother and sister, to another hotel room in some other part of the country that is too far to get back to Teesside or London on the same night.
It’s a lot of travelling and living out of a suitcase but that’s what being a stand-up comic is all about and is actually great fun. I’ve been to more places than I knew even existed in the UK. And I’ve been to places that don’t even have a train station, which is an achievement for me because I don’t own a car.
I don’t have a suitcase big enough to take a wife and child around with me so I’ve not be able to get married yet or become a father. It is something I’d love to do. I just need to finish off an 800-tour date of the UK first, which could take me a few more years.
Comedians work every weekend so I normally get my Friday feeling on a Monday morning, when everyone else is rushing off to work. And I spend it recovering from doing half a dozen gigs over the weekend.
I’ll spend each weekend in a different city. That’s the beauty of the comedy circuit: we have so many comedy clubs.
When I get the time I’ll watch Steptoe & Son and Porridge. I like the classics I grew up with. But I also love Family Guy and Trailer Park Boys, which is a Canadian spoof reality TV show. It’s on a par with Curb Your Enthusiasm.
I tend to start to read about two or three different books at once because I’ve got a short attention span. I’ll get to about the tenth page, then go off travelling and forget that I’ve left it at home. So I have to get another one. My favourite book has to be I Know Why A Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou.
If I didn’t listen to music I’d go mental. I don’t just have one type of music or band or singer. My CD collection ranges from Lionel Richie and LL Cool J to Celine Dion, Whitney Houston and Tina Turner. My mate told me that if a burglar ever broke into my house, he’d think an 80-year-old woman lived here.
Working most nights of the week means I’ve only ever been to the theatre a few times. The last two plays I saw were amazing. The Woman in Black was properly scary. And The Pitman Painters, about Geordie coalminers who set up a painting workshop in their social club, was one of the funniest and deeply moving shows that I have ever seen.
On the odd days that I’m at home I cook but if I’m at my mum’s house I don’t need to. She cooks like she’s putting on a banquet for 1,000 people.
My signature dish is tuna surprise, where I stick a cup and a half of rice in the rice cooker, steam chopped veg, then mix the tuna in the rice.
I grew up eating rice every day and I still love it. I don’t feel like I’ve had a proper meal unless it’s a rice-based dish. Which is lucky because after a show the only places open are usually curry houses.
I don’t drink alcohol and I never used to jog but Zoe’s Place, a children’s hospice in Middlesbrough, asked me if I’d help to fundraise for them. I said ‘of course’ then they entered me into the Great North Run in Newcastle. It’s this September, so I have to go out running.
A perfect weekend would start with a comedy show. I’d then head back to the hotel with a massive tub of ice cream and a plastic spoon and watch Family Guy.
Life doesn’t get funnier or sweeter than that.
Patrick Monahan brings his Edinburgh Fringe show, Shooting From The Lip, to The Canalhouse in Canal Street on Wednesday, July 4, supported by Rich Wall, the winner of Nottingham Comedy Festival’s Best Compere 2011. Tickets are £5 in advance from Nottingham Tourism Centre, by calling 08444 775678, or £7 on the door. For more details go to www.ncfentertainment.co.uk.
To sponsor his Great North Run go to www.justgiving.com/Patrick-