A GOOD weekend for me? I’d get up and fill the kettle up to fill the bath. Then I’d go down Londis to see what food has just gone out of date. Then I’d go home and really attack the day. I don’t know what I’d do though.
I might go and see one of my brothers, depending on who’s about. I’ve got four brothers: Agamemnon, Aggatheus, Archipelago and Arterius. I don’t know what they do for a living. I think they’re nude dancers.
My love life? Never you mind. I’ve got one or two things up my sleeve. I’m getting closer to Ulrika Jonsson. If you call standing outside her bedroom window closer. It is closer than standing outside her kitchen window because I’ve got a ladder now. I stand up there peering. She don’t mind.
And Kate Moss likes me. But she’ll have to get in line.
At Christmas someone got me a new video player, which I was over the bloody moon about because I’ve got loads and loads of episodes of Crimewatch that I recorded from when it was first on. So I sit down at the weekend, put me feet up, get me box of Magnums out and watch them. I’m up to about 1987.
I like it because you don’t know who’s done it, do you? Although you can guess. You can piece it together yourself. Much better than what the police can do.
What am I reading? The back of a Cornflakes packet. Other than that I like to read books about murder and Jack The Dipper and all that sort of carryon.
I like Bollywood music. And the theme to Hill Street Blues. I can listen to that all day... (sings) da-da-dar, da-da-dar...
I don’t have any pets. There’s a mouse but it’s not a pet. It just comes in the kitchen.
I eat a lot of fried stuff. Chips and all that. Stuff you’re not allowed to eat anymore because it’s not good for you. But I pile it away and it’s not done me any harm. I’ve got terrible heart trouble but apart from that I’m fine.
I never ate anything off my burger van, no. I knew where it had been. No chance. I don’t have it any more anyway because it was destroyed by mysterious forces. But I don’t it any more because I’m a superstar.
I don’t go to the gym or jog or anything like that. I keep fit by rolling down hills. I’ve done that since I was a boy. It seems to do the trick. Apart from my bad heart.
I’ll be busy at weekends soon with my next tour. I was in Not-num at The Glee Club last year and I tell ya, I’ve been used to playing these big places all over the world, and the Glee Club’s like playing in a youth club. Tiny little place. There are pillars and iron bars... it’s a joke in there, actually. Which is right because it is a comedy club, so it should be a joke.
I’m going to Notnum Playhouse this time and it’s about time. And as the name suggest, I will be playing about in there.
I don’t go out to see other people doing comedy, no. I don’t like comedy. I can’t stand it. It takes a lot to make me laugh. My mate Barry makes me laugh but he’s got one leg. Sometimes he takes it off and hops around and that. There’s no way I’d go and see Vic and Bob. They got me in to this mess, I’m not going to see them muck about on stage. They’re a pair of chancers. They’re members of the lucky club.
Angelos Epithemiou and Friends, Nottingham Playhouse, Friday March 4, 8pm, £17.50, 0115 941 9419, www.nottinghamplayhouse.co.uk